Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
