why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
