I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Drunk is not a location!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
