I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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