Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
