i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
