true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
