I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
