dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
