i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
is that a dick in a sweater?
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