Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
