"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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