Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize