i think i have two assholes
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What drink are we having for lunch?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
