mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
