so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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