just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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