i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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