just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Terrible idea I love it
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
