Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
