I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
