Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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