Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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