Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
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There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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