Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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