The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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