I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
