I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
