whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
