you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
