So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
