Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
