K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
