If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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