just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
