I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
