i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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