I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
