mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
