Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
birth control should be required to get into college
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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