are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize