I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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