My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
