Sober January is a disaster.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
