the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
