I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
