if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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