the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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