This dress was meant to end up on your floor
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
