Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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