i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
