i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
