in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
