cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
