So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
