ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
