I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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