he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
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i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
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Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break