No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
